Excerpt From the Journal of Teyla Emmagan Sheppard
by kickstand75
Summary: On a last journey to the city of Atlantis, Teyla reminisces about her life and that of her team.


**Excerpt from the journals of Teyla Emmagan Sheppard: Published 10 years after her death.  
Excerpt has been edited by her lone surviving child, Elizabeth Tagan Sheppard.**

It seems strange to me to be looking upon the City of the Ancestors again. It has been many years since I have stood and gazed upon her towers and seen the sunset from her glazed windows. She, at least, remains unchanged.

When I walked through the Stargate for the final time, it was not to the smiling faces of Chuck or Amelia. I knew few in the city now beyond the cursory hello and goodbye. I do not know why I expected to see Rodney, Ronon, or even John. It has been many years since my last goodbyes to some of them. I am the final one left of our team and I have come one last time to say farewell to the city I once called home.

Elizabeth is here with me, but she is preoccupied with showing her new grand-daughter to the scientists. They have always loved having babies in Atlantis. My beloved Torren being the first of many that opened Atlantis' floodgates of new mothers and fathers walking her floors.

It still pains my heart to know that Torren was killed in action during the final attack against our enemy. Still, he died flying, which was always his first love. He inherited John's love of adventure and if I am honest, my own as well. So, I cannot truly be sad knowing all of this. And yet, it grieves a mother's heart to know that her child is gone and can never be held again.

They all left me. One by one, they left. First, it was Ronon. I still miss his hugs desperately. I never knew my own brother, culled by the Wraith when I was young. Ronon filled the void that I wished for in a sibling. He took my side in almost everything. I recall the smile, to this day, on his face when he finally figured out that John and I were more than just friends. He had known years before we did, it seemed.

Rodney and Jennifer had so many happy years together. One late movie night, long after everyone else had gone to bed, he told me of the alternate future that John never spoke of to me. Rodney was so relieved and grateful that his universe, where Jennifer died, had never come to pass. I could not have asked for better friends than those two. Rodney may have begun his career in Atlantis with no friends and a rather large ego, but he wound up one of my best friends, an extended part of my family whose absence and dogged loyalty is felt still.

I look out upon the fading sun glinting on Atlantis and realize this is the very same room all those many years ago that John and I were locked in, during one of the city's many emergencies. I smile as I recall the wonder in John's eyes as he felt Torren move within. I felt hope that day. Things were not right with Kanaan from the first. I am grateful that Torren was conceived from that ill-fated night spent with him, but things were just not the way they had been when we were growing up. That small time spent locked in the room with John gave me hope that perhaps not all was lost  
between us.

On this final trip of collecting memories, I look around this room once more. I see the ghost of my younger self placing John's hands on my stomach. I recall just a few months later placing Torren into his hands so we could be flown back to Atlantis safely. To my final breath, I will never forget how gently he took our son into his arms and cradled him.

It may have three more years from that moment to declare out loud what had been in our hearts for such a long time, but that is exactly what we finally did. Woolsey never truly objected to us being in a relationship. We remained professional to all but our trusted friends so there was nothing that people complained about.

We were married here in Atlantis. It was an unforgettable day to see my new husband, military commander in Atlantis, on the dance floor with all of the scientists and junior officers clamoring for a dance with him. I can admit it now, long after, that I smiled more than a little at his panicked face, looking over to me for help.

When we finally decided to leave Atlantis and take a position on Earth, we did so with regret. Atlantis, once a place of such great joy for us both, had become a place of sadness after Torren's death. John knew it was finally time to come home and leave his city. He gave me the choice of staying in Pegasus or returning to the Milky Way galaxy. I was thankful he left the decision to me, but it was really not a choice at all. Though the Wraith were long past their height of power and we were now tenuous allies, I knew my bright and brilliant Elizabeth needed more than the decimated Pegasus galaxy could offer her. We were all grieving the loss of Torren and we left Atlantis different people than before. All the others of our former team followed shortly after, even Ronon. I suspect that may have had something to do with winning the heart of a certain kickboxing gate technician, more so than following John or me.

In time, we healed. As best as time can heal those wounds anyway. We laughed again. We loved again. We watched Elizabeth grow up, go away to college, and then announce she had accepted a position at the SGC. We watched our child fall in love with and marry the oldest of Ronon's sons. I think all of us cried a little that day at the beauty that had come from so many ashes. Ronon's son, Arik, had been best friends with Torren. Guilt had nearly torn him apart when he lived while his brother had not. It was a strange sense of pride that my Elizabeth was able to help in the healing of that hurt and to make his heart mostly whole again.

My thoughts wander back closer to the present. Just last month, I said goodbye to John. My heart is still so heavy with his loss. Even if he had lived to be 108, it would not have been enough time with him. Words cannot say how much I felt for him. He was more than the general that most people knew superficially. He was friend, partner, and my equal in every sense of the word. From the first moment I offered him a cup of tea inside my tent, I knew he would be the only one I would ever love again.

We had only that one night right before he left all those years ago, and it was not enough for me. I wanted him to speak of it again and yet he never did. While I am so grateful for the many years we did have, I will never truly understand why he did not speak sooner.

There were hundreds of people at his funeral last month but I was one of the few he would have wanted in attendance had it been his choice. It was not though. From all my time spent on Earth, I have come to realize that generals are treated differently than most in the military. John and I had attended enough funerals together in the past to know what to expect. I was thankful in the midst of the unwanted pomp and circumstance that goes along with a military funeral that Elizabeth was there with Arik and their children. If not for their presence to keep me strong, I am not sure I would have made it through. People assure me I am fiercely strong, but losing one half of your soul does not make you feel so.

I watched them lower him into the ground and knew that I was truly alone now and that I needed to come back one last time to say goodbye to Atlantis. I knew I did not want to survive long after John was gone. People say you need to go on for your children, for your grandchildren, for one reason or another, and yet I disagree. I have said goodbye one after another to those I have loved. I have said goodbye to my one true love.

Now it is time for one last goodbye to a city that holds so many precious memories. My people have agreed to sing me farewell on the thriving city of New Athos. Though Elizabeth does not truly understand the customs of Athosians having grown up almost entirely on Earth, she is honoring my wish in this and will sing for me when the time comes shortly.

I will allow my journals to be published so you may know of our lives. Memories and thoughts are to be preserved and shared, not hidden away. When all else is gone, they are all that you have left to you.

In my journals, there are many stories. In them, you will find that the ego-filled brilliant scientist was not quite what he seemed on the outside. He was a funny friend who laughed at himself and loyally loved others. The guarded man, who always stood tall, proud, and aloof, told the best bedtime stories to his children. Though he was a fierce warrior on the outside, his heart was genuine, good, and honest.

And the heroic general, long in charge of a huge city, so popular and kind to the out-of-place new recruits, was much more than just that. He was quietly funny; he loved deeply and sacrificed himself many times over so that others would not have to. He was friend, father, and lover. He was my John and now he is gone.

I look out upon the soft rolling waves and say my final goodbye. I will not return to this beloved city again. It has given me many years of happiness and joy, pain and sorrow. But now… now, I will go. I leave behind a daughter and one who is like a son to me. They will carry on and make sure that my journey and those who were closest to me will not be forgotten.

And if the ancestors are kind, I will soon see the faces of those whom I dearly miss once again.

-Teyla Emmagan Sheppard


End file.
